A Simple Call - Part Three

Where should I begin?  How much did I feel like dumping onto Chris’ lap?  Would telling her help at all?  Or would she be just one more person who knew the sad details of my life? Would I have to listen to hours of discourse about her life and trials?  I looked at my watch, you know, I’m sure it’s past my bedtime….somewhere.

As if she could read my mind, she broke through the silence and asked me, “I don’t know what you’ve been struggling with, but can you at least tell me why you’ve been looking so sad?”  I didn’t think I’d been ‘looking’ any particular way, sad or otherwise.

I looked around and wondered how long it could take a person to pee.  At this point though, I really hoped her friend would be making herself scarce for a while longer. I knew I was going to be opening up the door to my private life, even if it was the most microscopic of cracks.  I wanted to share my life with as few people as possible. 

Her question was easy enough to answer, so I explained that a very close friend of mine had taken a job in Denver and that he had just left that day to head back to Colorado.  Her eyes grew a wide, her eyebrows rose, and there was a little smile playing around her lips, all at the suggestion that there might be a 'he' in my life.  Good grief.

“He?” she asked, “Who is ‘he’”?

I sighed.  “He’s a very good friend.  We’ve been friends for a long time.”  Great!  The one thing I didn’t want to get into is the one thing she honed in on. I don’t know if there’s a word for the look on her face, maybe ‘knowing’ would be accurate. I wanted to roll my eyes so bad that it actually hurt not to. 

Chris continued, “Am I sensing more than just a friend?  And does ‘he’ have a name?”

“Well, his name is Ken and, he's a very close friend, probably more, I don't know.  We've spent a lot of time together this summer and we've really gotten close.  I just don’t think I’m in a good place to have a relationship right now.”

“What could be stopping you from being as close as you want to be?”

“I don't know," I said, letting go a heavy sigh.  "It's like I said, the timing is wrong.” I combined my response with a dismissive shrug; this subject was too unsettling for me.  He was hundreds of miles away living his life and I was here living mine.  For heaven’s sake, he had also just left.

Silence fell between us.  She sipped on her drink.  She didn’t exactly whisper, but her question was a little softer, “Can you please be straight with me?  Who is this guy, really? He obviously means more to you than just a friend.  Tell me a little about him.”

I propped my elbows on the table and perched my chin on top of them.  I had leaned in, she had leaned in, and the whole atmosphere at the table shifted, it became more intimate.  It was time, time to share with someone on the planet how I felt about this man.

I told her that I’d met him quite a while ago and that somehow, someway, somewhere he had always seemed to be in the background of my life.  Recent events had shoved him forward in my life and brought him out of the background and into the fore.  I told her what I saw were the obstacles to us ever being together, chief among them was my constant companion….guilt.  I have spent hundreds of hours fretting over situations where I think I might disappoint someone or make someone unhappy.  Side note:  Please do not refer me to your therapist; I have quite unsuccessfully dealt with this issue and I good with it.  I've summed up in a paragraph though what took me an hour to tell.

 

I sat back in the booth, feeling drained.  I hadn’t cried, but I knew that my emotions had made my voice quiver at times.  It’s hard to want something so badly, but feel convinced that it will never be yours.  Love does funny, mixed up things to people.

Chris also sat back, she let go a loud sigh, and took another sip of her drink.  She sat looking at me for what seemed like an eternity.  I sat pensive, waiting for what she had to say.  I really hoped she would share the wise, sage type advice instead of the fortune cookie brand.

“Karla, I’m going to ask you a question.  I don’t want you to think about your answer.  I want you to just blurt out the very first thing that pops into your head.  Can you do that?”

“Sure.”  This was a strange approach, but I’d play along.

“Ready?”  She asked.  I nodded my response.

Chris looked me in the eye, “Remember, don’t analyze your response.  Just say the first thing that pops into your head."  She waited a second for me to clear my mind, like that could ever happen.  "If you could have anything you wanted right this minute, what would it be?”

Oops, I started thinking, putting a stop to my thoughts I let my answer have its freedom, without too much analysis.  “I really want to be with Ken.”  Another side note: I would not recommend this method for any or even most decisions, but she knew that I was way overthinking this thing, which was what I usually did.

She reached across the table and held out her hand.  I slipped my hand into hers.  She squeezed it gently.  “Then what are you waiting for, just go make it happen." Maybe she say my skeptical look, because she said, "Yes, it is just that easy.”  As if on cue, her friend appeared at the table.  She knew that I wasn't going to argue with her now.  Wow.  She is amazing.


The evening seemed to come to an abrupt halt.  Chris paid the check and we were heading back home.  I realize now, looking back,  that she knew that if I had too much time to think; I’d most likely think myself into a paralyzing corner where nothing happened.  I know it's disturbing, but I really do like the voices in my head....usually.

When she dropped me off she got out to give me a hug.  She looked me in the eyes one more time and with as much intensity as she could she said, “Don’t hesitate.  You go straight in there and call him.”  On more squeeze, then, "Call me later and let me know how it turned out."

I didn’t hesitate, with the exception of taking a really big gulp before I dialed the phone.  With each ring my stomach tightened.  I was fairly certain that Ken wouldn’t be against this idea, but sometimes there’s no predicting what some people will think or feel.  My whole body was so stiff with tension that I’m sure I could have been snapped like a twig.

He was home, he had answered, “Hello?”  I heard his oh-so-familiar voice ask.

(To be continued........tomorrow.....)